when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
