That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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