I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
