Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
