It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
