If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
