my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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