she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
