I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
