the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
home. puking in laundry basket.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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