Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
