While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
