I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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