So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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