He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
