Just mADE A PArabola og urine
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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