Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
