I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
