My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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