she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize