Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
