The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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