On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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