i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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