Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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