Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
