Your dad touched me again.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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