You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
