The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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