I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
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