If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
