I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
