Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
