He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Who died my cat blue again?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
