Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
