Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
