I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
