I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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