i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
