My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
