Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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