direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
