I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
