God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
People in love make me want to vomit
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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