Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My friends, they love my intelligence
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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