so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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