he told me I talked like a deaf person
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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