i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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