i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
