guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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