11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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