we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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