Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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