if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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