they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
