i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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