Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
