I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
