i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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