i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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