I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
