I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
