A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
