I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
