I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
