If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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