I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So apparently I’m into choking now
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