I accidentally burped into my bong.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It was like giving head to a cactus.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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