In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
